Monday, September 12, 2011

Fear


I've been put under the knife only once in my life. In 2003 I got my wisdom teeth removed. I've never broken a bone (although I may have had undiagnosed stress fractures) and had to get a cast. I've never needed stitches. Nope, just wisdom teeth is the closest I've been to being sedated and cut into.

About 6 weeks ago, I posted a blog titled "what did I do wrong?". I thought I had a suprapatella burstitis. I was wrong, maybe. It's still not clear what I had. After seeing a massage therapist, a medical doctor, and a physical therapist (who each gave me a different diagnosis), I went to a knee specialist at Slocum, Dr. Stan James. Stan was also a bit baffled by my injury. I explained how the injury came on suddenly one day. I told him how I initially treated it with massage which made things worse. I explained how it swelled locally and showed him the bruising on my knee. He poked and prodded, and found a very sensitive area along side the top of the knee cap, not located on the patellar or quad tendon, but rather to the medial side of it. I got a series of x-rays taken which all pointed to a healthy, well padded, smooth tracking knee. He finally said, "well I don't think you have bursitis, and I don't think you have tendonitis. This is a very strange injury, and smells like a Plica. It seems to be on the mend. Try some pool running and come back in a week if it's not better or swells again."

I want to take a break here and add some side notes. The PT I went to was at Tensegrity. They put me on pressure sensored treadmill with electrodes hooked up to my quads and butt and took video of me running from the back, front, and side. I had run 7.5 miles before getting this gait-analysis done to tire my body out a bit- which also made my knee quite sore. The results were: weak right glut max that was not firing. Right leg would drop in and right hip would drop down. Right foot overpronated and did not land evenly compared to left foot. In all my time spent working on strengthening my left "always injured" side, I had somehow neglected my right side and it was now much weaker. Their diagnosis- patella femoral tracking issues/quad tendonitis. Although, the location of my pain did not match their diagnosis and my pain had come on suddenly on one easy run- they guessed I had to have one of these two things... maybe... they weren't sure. I decided that no mater what this injury was, I was going to begin doing pilates/yoga religiously focusing on glutes and core. Since day one of this injury, I've done glute/core/inner and outer thigh/back/and hip work. I dropped 5 pounds after stopping running and doing these intense workouts. The pain in my knee did not subside with rest, strength, and stretching. Nor did the swelling or pain diminish after icing 3-6x day and taking 8 Advil/day for 2 weeks.

My massage therapist thought it was tight quads and tendonitis, so he did an aggressive quad massage and worked on the "crepitis" on my knee tendon. My knee swelled up bad the next day- which my doctor diagnosed as suprapatellar bursitis, caused by doing pilates/bent knee lunges right before my run and the massage. Now, this was the first thing that made any sense to me, since from day one it felt like a bruise and I had a bruise on my knee in the most painful spot. It didn't hurt to stand or sit, only to bend my knee and let that bruise roll from my knee cap toward my VMO. That pain when running or walking would extend across the entire top part of my knee cap, not on the patella itself, but between the patella and the quad muscle. I could no longer do the bent knee lunge with my knee on the floor because it put direct pressure on the swollen painful area. Also, the edge of the computer under the desk at work lined up perfectly with the bruise on my knee, which I bumped twice gently since and almost yelped!

Now back to the story. I obeyed Stan and tried a little pool running. My knee hurt to pool run, especially as a I straightened my leg back and brought it forward through the water. I didn't feel I was doing it any good by trying to pool run. Walking would cause pain to build up intensely, to the point that I would start limping after just a few blocks. Down hill walking and going down stairs were excruciating. My knee would swell after walking too much. Also, sometimes I would find my knee would "catch" and suddenly feel like it was completely off track and send shooting pain throughout the entire knee cap. One evening, after icing my knee, the "bursa" looking thing swelled up again. I said enough was enough and called Slocum the next day.

When I went to Slocum (4 weeks post injury), the swelling in my knee had gone down from the night before and it wasn't as painful to walk. Stan was about to send me on my way again, until I showed him the picture of the swelling after I had iced. He was shocked that a knee could swell after icing. Now he was really baffled and wanted to do an MRI. I panicked, not because I didn't want answers, but because Stan had first told me Plicas rarely show up on MRIs and because he was now fearful it could me something else... but something he had never seen before. After some talking, we decided to not to an MRI, because he was still leaning toward Plica, and to do a cortisone injection instead. This way we could reduce all of the swelling in the knee and get to the root of the problem. If the cortisone worked, then we'd know it was an inflamed Plica. If there was still lots of pain after the cortisone, we'd do an MRI or arthroscopic surgery and see what was wrong.

The cortisone injection hurt bad. He put it in a soft spot on my patella. I left the office feeling stiff legged and was very careful the next few days not to over exert my leg in any way. Two days after the shot, my knee started catching again and was intensely painful. I had read that a day or two after a cortisone you experience much worse pain than you original injury. I tried to stay positive, although the intense pinching/maltracking feeling of my patella was not helping.

On Monday (three days after the cortisone) I was feeling much better. Tuesday was even better, and Wednesday was better yet. I saw Stan on Friday, telling him I had a few "almost pain free" days. He was pleased and said to again try to stress the knee a little with some run/walking next week. If the pain or swelling comes back, he'd do another cortisone injection since the first seemed to work so well. We decided if this injury becomes chronic, we'd skip the MRI, and go in arthroscopicly. That way he could see everything going on in my knee and remove the Plica at the same time if that was the problem.

The following week I pool ran pain free and decided that Thursday I would try to go for a run. I still had a "knob" on very outer edge of the patella which hurt to be pressed on near my VMO, not on the patella bone (tricky, since its not exactly tendon or muscle there... guessing it's Plica). The run went pretty well, compared to how I'd thought it would go. I had a very tight IT Band the whole time, but little to no knee pain at all. About 6 blocks from home, I had to stop at a stop light and I noticed the area above my knee cap was sore and just slightly puffy (Plica? Quad tendon? Suprapatalla bursa?) I finished out the run and made sure to ice afterward. I had a little tenderness after the run walking around- not really focused on any particular spot, but it seemed to be all around the top of the knee.

I pool ran the next day and felt on the side of my knee cap and experienced some discomfort, so I stopped early. I rested the next day and then decided on Sunday to try another run. This run went even better in regards to knee pain. My IT Band felt more sore and tighter, but I didn't have as much discomfort across the top of my knee at the end or after the run. I took an ice bath this time. Walking two miles after the run was fine.

I just started reading Running Tide, Joan Benoit-Samuelson's book. I skipped right to the chapter on her knee injury and found it to be like reading my own running journal. We both experienced sudden pain on one run out of the blue that felt like nothing else we'd ever had before. The pain would build and feel like tightening. Nothing seemed to work and no one could diagnosis it. Finally, after Joan saw Stan James, she got her Plica arthroscopicly removed 3 weeks before the Olympic Marathon Trials and went on to not only run in it but to win it! That night, I had a dream I got knee surgery. Unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to run before I woke up.

So, it's a waiting game at this point. I'm going to continue to run every other day and build up my strength and confidence, while being patient with my knee. I hope that whatever it is that's wrong with my knee had finally healed up with the 6 weeks of rest, strengthening exercises, and cortisone shot. If it comes back after all this... then its time to go under the knife.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Goals


Almost every runner I know, serious or casual, makes goals. Run a 10K at the end of the month. Qualify for the Boston Marathon in 2012. Hit 70mpw. Run a season injury free. Stick to a consistent core strengthening program. We've all set running goals. But what happens when we fail to reach those goals? What happens inside each of us when we have to let a goal go due to inadequate training, or injury, or just because we set something that was too high for us to reach.

I know for me personally, I go through several emotional stages which always bring me back to one thing: I cannot always be in control.

When I somehow mysteriously ended up with a bruise on my knee and pain when running, my first reaction was: I can control this. And by taking control of the situation, I only made things worse. The bruise became swelling and the swelling became very painful. I briefly gave up control of my daily running, to control the injury, and ended up losing control of both.

So after losing control, I lost it mentally. It was an all-day Anna pity party that I put my boyfriend and family through. I no longer knew how to take control of the situation other than work on core/hip/glut strength and continue to talk to PT's, massage therapists, and my doctor. Everyone was giving me different reasons to what happened and how to fix it. Each time, it only got worse. The people closest to me were telling me something completely different: leave it be and lift it up to God. The problem with this solution for me was that I was not in control of it. "Time" meant fitness lost, goals dissipating, and no timeline to when I could be running again. I was not going to sit and wait.

My knee didn't really give me an option over the weekend. It stayed swollen for 6 days and showed no signs of letting up. Walking was very painful and I played around with ways to keep the swelling held up tightly above my knee so it could not roll down across my knee cap. I'm sure this was not helping my progress at all. Finally, I succumbed to the reality of the situation and spent 3 days on the coach with my leg propped up on a pillow, alternating ice and an ace bandage wrap. Finally on Monday the swelling had gone down a little and I could walk farther than 5 feet without limping. I felt like I was back in control of the situation. I could make it to the starting line of the Eugene Women's Half Marathon if this type of progressed continued and then onto my goal of running the Autumn Leaves 50K at the end of October.

Nope. As I weened myself off of Advil, I was in terrible pain. The swelling was still down, but my knee kept catching, stopping me in my tracks and bringing tears to my eyes. How, after 1 week since my last run, all the Advil, compression, ice, rest, massage, and core/hip strengthening, could I be in this much pain? The next day I called Slocum and scheduled an appointment with Dr. Stan James asap. I won't be able to get in until next Thursday.

So, as I do in many situations I am not in control of, I write. I write for myself and I write for others, about the lessons of running I have learned up through this far. I have realized I have made running my life. I was never a runner in my youth. My mom spoke to my high school cross-country coach yesterday at school as he was making copies of the Poynette top times and places ever at the Cambridge Cross-Country Meet (1st one of the season). Both my and my sister's names were on the list, and my mom asked him, "Knowing now that both my girls have run marathons and have turned into the runner's that they are today, would you have ever guess that of them from their first cross-country meet at Cambridge?" My coach said, "Of Christy, yes. Of Anna, no, not at all." Perhaps this was because I announced at the finish line of the Cambridge Meet as a freshman, "That was Hell and I'm never doing that again!". Oh- how far I've come. Running is now the center of my life, as a coach, as a writer, as a friend, as an employee. I eat, breath, drink running every day. I have no choice but on a bad running day, to go out and face other runners and talk about running all day long. My passion is also my curse, because at times it has become more important to me than family and friends, and this I truly regret.

So, instead of focusing on the goals I cannot achieve through running this week (or next week, or next month, or whenever I am able to run again), I have chosen to make a new list of goals:

1. Go back to the basics- and run for fun! Because I love to run!
2. Remember God gave me the gift to run and not to take that gift for granted.
3. Not get hung up on a running goals and make them the focus of my life
4. Spend more time outside of running environments with friends and family.
5. Find a new hobby that is not running related in anyway.
6. Trust my instinct first, not others opinions when it comes to my personal running and injuries. I know my body best.
7. Give up control.

I want to look at these goals everyday and make sure I can check each one off, before I step to the starting line of my next race. I feel that if I make them a priority over my own running ambitions, I'll reach more goals than I ever dreamed possible.