Pain

Pain comes in all forms. Quick like a lightening clap. A sharp stabbing jolt through your body. Pain can be dull and seethe in slow, digging deep into your bones and hurt like a faint pulse. Pain can wake you up in the middle of the night- make you shoot straight up out of bed with a gasp as though an intruder creeps in your midst. Yet, pain can keep you from ever falling a sleep in the first place. It keeps you tossing and turning until your eyelids finally give up trying. Pain can be visible as with a cut or a bruise. There can be swelling and redness. And sometimes, the swelling cannot be seen. It sits deep within your heart and makes your insides turn and twist. The worst kind of pain, is the pain you cannot express with words or even emotion. The pain that stays burred within your soul. The pain of losing a loved one or getting a grim diagnosis. The kind of pain that others do not understand. Many times, the visible pain can be healed with medication or bandages. A trip made to the doctor's office can decipher between bad pain and tolerable pain. The doctor can make much of the pain go away. Some of us athletes elate in pain. We punish ourselves in workouts and races just so we can feel pain and have our bodies natural pain killers kick in to give us a self medicated rush. But nobody asks for emotional pain. And yes, there are specialist you can see to help you talk though your pain, but really no one can understand what is going on inside of you and no one can take away those feelings. Its not until you come to terms with the situation and yourself that you can have relief from emotional pain.

(I found this draft on my blog recently and do not remember writing it. Sometimes when I get caught up in the moment of writing, I go somewhere else and do not return until the thought is gone.)

Walk/jog your way to a 5K PR?

Yeah, I know the title of this post is a bit insane. Can one really walk/jog their way back into the best shape of their life?

Ok, to be honest, I'm not quite there yet. But my body has really been surprising me, both positively and negatively lately.

First the negative. Since when does it take so dang long to heal a small strain? I know I'm getting older, but 2.5 weeks! Really??? If I tweak my calf by turning too sharply on a run (and FYI I'm only running 20 miles/week) it should NOT take half a month for the pain to go away! I miss those days when I was 19-20 years old and would twist my ankle stepping off a curb, and have sharp shooting pains and numbness all the way up my leg, thinking OMG I just broke my ankle... and then 30sec later, not only be able to walk it off, but finish the run and have no after effects the next day.

Ok, done complaining. Now the positives. Where did this 19:59 with no training stuff come from? (the sub 20 holds significance that I'll get to in a bit) I was literally "walk/jogging it" back in January. Before that I hadn't run a step since Oct. 31 when I got my knee surgery, and before that my running was spotty because of my Plica pain. The only thing I could do to keep any fitness for the past 5 months was Pilates. I did POP Pilates for hours a day, working on developing washboard abs and buns of steel. 'Cause you know, if I could never run again after my surgery, I might as well still look like I can. My cardio was pretty non-existent. I did a little pool running here and there, but biking and elliptical were completely out of the question before the surgery (see older posts).

Yet, somehow, on March 8th, after working up to 15-25 mpw during Feburary and then 25-30 mpw during March, and still taking some cross-training days in there, and on a max long run of 8 miles, I was able to run the 4th fastest 5K time of my life. Really??? Maybe I've been setting my expectations too low. Now if I remember correctly. I had spent years try to break 20min in the 5K. In college I was on a club cross country team and trained specifically for the 5K. We did both on road and off road 5K's, but I could never crack the 20min barrier. It really hasn't been since 2010 that I got my first legit 5K time under 20min. (I had run one 5K race with a recorded time under 20min before that, but the race director told me after the race that he had measured the course short). I had been training for half marathons that summer and had run a half-marathon PR shortly before my first 19:56. Last year, I ran my fastest 5K time of 19:32 when I was in 3:08 marathon shape. This came from no 5K speed training, but solely marathon training and high high mileage.

So how am I able to run a 19:59 on 20-25mpw, with a long run of 8mi, ZERO speed work, and at the spur of the moment? (Did I mention I came into the race with no expectations other than to run it as an easy progression run?) I thought to myself a mile into the race (of which I hit at 6:20) either this is going to be the best comeback story ever or the biggest epic crash and burn of all time. I pictured my pace crumbling to a walk as all of my athletes sprinted by me. They would say, "Come on coach, run with us! You can do it!" And I would not make eye contact with them, but rather stare at my feet as they shuffled pathetically toward the finish line. Imagining myself dying a miserable death during a 5K footrace is probably not the best form of mental imagery during a race, but believe me, I saw it all.

Yet, that's not what happened. Instead, my hips stayed strong (thank you Pilates!), my feet effortlessly tapped the ground and lifted right back off, and I felt like I was soaring over other runners as I passed them. Where did all this energy come from? To be honest, I hadn't had much energy for running lately. I could blame my new gluten free diet as the culprit, but I really don't think that was the issue. I still get plenty of carbs and protein from other sources. It wasn't until I at a hamburger and had one of the best runs of my life the next day that I learned I was becoming anemic. So I began adding red meat to my diet on a more regular basis and realized I had a lot more energy. But red meat alone can't be the only reason why I went from a sub 21min 5K runner when I'm out of shape to a sub 20min 5K runner.

I've had a week to reflect on last Thursday's race, and I think what happened, is something that I've been preaching to my athletes for years. When you get to a certain high level in your training and then take a break, you don't lose everything and you don't go back to square one when you start up again. My body had adjusted and adapted from that last training cycle. Physiological and chemical changes took place while I was training for my last marathon, and those changes had built off previous marathon training. I kept strength in my muscles through Pilates, and even though I had not done a lot of lactic threshold workouts or high mileage running, my body retained its muscle memory. It did not forget that it can run fast.

Now, there is no way I could have maintained that pace for a 10K or even another mile. Training plays a HUGE role in performance. But, I think I need to realize that I've been putting in the hard work for years now. I've been training at a higher mileage for years, I've been doing harder workouts for years, and I'm not longer that 20:30 5K girl I was in college. By switching from shorter distance, to longer distance over the past 5 years, my body has developed and adapted and is now stronger and more conditioned to this intenser way of training. I'm excited to see what 2012 brings. I feel that I was training smarter at the end of 2011 before my Plica blew up, and the rest and intense core work that I'm bringing into 2012 is just what I needed. I'm listening to my body. How so? Well, so far in 2012, I've had every old injury creep up. Pes anserinus, Achilles tendonitis, plantar fasciitis, psoas tightness, hamstring pain, calf strain... the list goes on. But most of these ailments disappeared in a day or two after I stretch and strengthen the areas as I have been taught to over the years (rather than running to a massage specialist for help). I feel that running maintenance is a never ending chore, but if I want to stay healthy, I need to keep up with my eccentric exercises, lunges, Pilates, and stretching routines.

Can one PR after coming off of a walk/jog program? Most likely not, unless your PR wasn't obtained during your highest peak of fitness, but sometimes your body can surprise you. I know I just need to remember to listen to it every day and be kind to it so it will return the favor this fall!

Trust your gut

I saw Dr. Stan James one last time to discuss my options since my knee was still not healing. By this time, it was clicking and popping and after spend only a few minutes with him, I was referred to surgeon Dr. Matt Shapiro to get a second opinion. Two weeks later I met with Dr. Shapiro. He said he's bet against Dr. James before, but usually loses. It may be Chondromalasia, or a stress fracture. I told him it felt like neither since I had had both these injuries in the past. He felt the same way and thought I should get arthroscopic knee surgery to see what was going on inside my knee. I asked what my other options were. "3 months no running and extensive physical therapy and cross training. We've got a great gal working for us with a lot of experience with PT, Yoga, and Pilates who I think would be a good fit for you." My gut said no- I had already taken 5 weeks of no running and it did nothing. I had been doing PT, Yoga, and Pilates for the past 2 months, almost everyday with no pain relief. I knew I could not bike or elliptical, and sometimes pool running bothered. I did not think this girl could help me and deep down, neither did Dr. Shapiro. He told me he thought I was already doing most of the things that the PT would have me do and it may result in still getting the surgery at the end of the 3 months. It was time to go inside my knee and find out what was going wrong. I would get surgery the following Monday (6 days later).

I left his office, got in my car, and called my mom crying. I had just made a very "adult" decision and I didn't know if it was the right one. I drove home and went for a run. This was the last week I'd be able to run for a long time so I was going to get in what I could with the minimum amount of pain. Later I went to work, unable to focus on the tasks at hand. My mind was in constant turmoil. I was constantly second guessing myself. The week seemed to go by so slowly, yet at the same time, very quickly. I felt like I had lots of time to doubt my choice, but the surgery date was just around the corner.

Saturday and Sunday I ran with very little pain. My speed had finally started coming back and I was comfortably finishing runs in the mid 7's. Now I was really second guessing myself. What if something went wrong and I was never able to run again after the surgery. What if they didn't find anything wrong inside my knee and I had to run with pain for the rest of my life. What if... what if... what if!

Sunday night Kevin and I went out to dinner and got Sweet Life afterward. I wanted to go out with a bang in case I never woke again. I know, it sounds extreme for minor arthroscopic knee surgery, but this was new territory for me. I did not sleep well Sunday night at all, tossing and turning. I woke up several times to go to the bathroom. I was thirsty but could not drink. The night seemed to last an eternity.

5:30AM finally arrived. I woke and showered. Kevin and I headed to Slocum and I checked in on the 4th floor. They took me back and had me change into a purple gown with dog paw prints and purple footies. I asked if men had to wear the same gown- I had to admit it was pretty cute! They took my vitals and got an IV hooked up to my hand. The nurse had a hard time getting it in my vein and that was probably the only discomfort I had with the whole experience. The staff was super friendly and most of them had come from the Midwest and we talked about Wisconsin. Dr. Shapiro came in and said hi. He wrote on my surgery leg something to the effect of "cut here", and said "see you in surgery. He seemed so calm as he walked off in his Columbia vest and coffee in hand. I had originally refused relaxant drugs, but now I was second guessing that decision. Kevin was asked to leave and the nurse wheeled my bed down the hallway into the operating room.

The operating rooms was cold. There was a bright lamp overhead and monitors all around. There was a small table with a tray and surgical supplies. All the nurses and doctors were wearing masks and gloves. They were very friendly and greeted me, but I could barely choke out a "hi". They moved me from my bed to the surgery table. One of them put a hose blowing hot air in my gown to keep me warm. The anesthesiologist told me he was going to put a mask blowing pure oxygen over my nose and mouth and start giving me the anesthesia in my IV. I took deep breaths and after a few seconds started to feel dizzy and noticed the edges of my vision closing in. I remember thinking, "here we go."

I woke up after having crazy dreams to a nurse wheeling me down the hallway back to the recovery area. The first thing I said when I came to was, "was it the Plica." The nurse said she didn't know, she was just a nurse, but she would get the doctor. She gave me water- which tasted so good after not drinking for hours. She handed me a pictures of the inside of my knee and said the doctor would explain them. I was still super tired and foggy- so it was hard for me to tell what I was looking at. Dr. Shapiro came in soon after. "Was it the Plica?" "Yes, Stan James does it again!" "YES!" I shouted. I was thrilled that it was what we thought it was and that I made the right choice getting surgery. Dr. Shapiro explained the pictures to me and showed me how bad the inflammation was. He explained that my recovery would be 6-8 weeks since I had a lot of synovitis in my knee (perhaps I shouldn't have been running all week leading up the surgery). He also told me that the surgery took a total of 21 minutes! Successful and fast!

Kevin was invited back in and the nurse explained to both of us the things I would need to do over the next few days to speed my recovery. She asked if I had any questions and I asked if I could have a coffee. She got me a fresh cup of coffee, which tasted horrible (sort of like cheap stir in coffee or Dutch Bros). She helped me get dressed and the wheeled me down to the car. I remember everything, but at the same time I was very out of it. When we were going down in the elevator, it felt like were going up and I was confused to why they took me down to the first floor to do the surgery and taking me up to the forth floor to leave.

Once outside, I was helped into the car and started making phone calls. I called my mom and my boss to give them updates. Then I called my friend Liisa who has been putting off Plica surgery for 2 years telling her it was the way to go. Kevin picked me up a Starbucks Americano that really hit the spot. Once we got home, he helped me inside and got me into bed. We propped up my leg and began the 30min on/30min off icing routine.

The rest of the day I stayed in bed, only getting up to use the restroom. It was hard to just sit all day, but I had no pain or leaking. Kevin ran to the grocery store and the pharmacist to fill my prescription for pain killers just in case I needed them. We watched a movie and he made me dinner. It was nice having him there to take care of me and rub my foot when it started to tighten up. I took off work Tues. and will most likely do the same Wed. to ensure a speedy recovery.

So far I have had no pain and very little discomfort. Today I start moving the knee and putting weight on it, so I may be more sore tomorrow. I'm not concerned though. I am just so happy to have figured out what was wrong with my knee and to have fixed it. Part of me is still discouraged with how this happened wants to walk around with knee pads on from now on (just kidding!). I have learned from this experience to trust my gut and that God is looking down on me. He blessed me with great doctors, a correct diagnosis, and a speedy recovery. I cannot wait to get back on the roads and training smarter and healthier than ever before! My next goal is a 3 hour marathon and a 7:10 pace 50K.

Fear

I've been put under the knife only once in my life. In 2003 I got my wisdom teeth removed. I've never broken a bone (although I may have had undiagnosed stress fractures) and had to get a cast. I've never needed stitches. Nope, just wisdom teeth is the closest I've been to being sedated and cut into.

About 6 weeks ago, I posted a blog titled "what did I do wrong?". I thought I had a suprapatella burstitis. I was wrong, maybe. It's still not clear what I had. After seeing a massage therapist, a medical doctor, and a physical therapist (who each gave me a different diagnosis), I went to a knee specialist at Slocum, Dr. Stan James. Stan was also a bit baffled by my injury. I explained how the injury came on suddenly one day. I told him how I initially treated it with massage which made things worse. I explained how it swelled locally and showed him the bruising on my knee. He poked and prodded, and found a very sensitive area along side the top of the knee cap, not located on the patellar or quad tendon, but rather to the medial side of it. I got a series of x-rays taken which all pointed to a healthy, well padded, smooth tracking knee. He finally said, "well I don't think you have bursitis, and I don't think you have tendonitis. This is a very strange injury, and smells like a Plica. It seems to be on the mend. Try some pool running and come back in a week if it's not better or swells again."

I want to take a break here and add some side notes. The PT I went to was at Tensegrity. They put me on pressure sensored treadmill with electrodes hooked up to my quads and butt and took video of me running from the back, front, and side. I had run 7.5 miles before getting this gait-analysis done to tire my body out a bit- which also made my knee quite sore. The results were: weak right glut max that was not firing. Right leg would drop in and right hip would drop down. Right foot overpronated and did not land evenly compared to left foot. In all my time spent working on strengthening my left "always injured" side, I had somehow neglected my right side and it was now much weaker. Their diagnosis- patella femoral tracking issues/quad tendonitis. Although, the location of my pain did not match their diagnosis and my pain had come on suddenly on one easy run- they guessed I had to have one of these two things... maybe... they weren't sure. I decided that no mater what this injury was, I was going to begin doing pilates/yoga religiously focusing on glutes and core. Since day one of this injury, I've done glute/core/inner and outer thigh/back/and hip work. I dropped 5 pounds after stopping running and doing these intense workouts. The pain in my knee did not subside with rest, strength, and stretching. Nor did the swelling or pain diminish after icing 3-6x day and taking 8 Advil/day for 2 weeks.

My massage therapist thought it was tight quads and tendonitis, so he did an aggressive quad massage and worked on the "crepitis" on my knee tendon. My knee swelled up bad the next day- which my doctor diagnosed as suprapatellar bursitis, caused by doing pilates/bent knee lunges right before my run and the massage. Now, this was the first thing that made any sense to me, since from day one it felt like a bruise and I had a bruise on my knee in the most painful spot. It didn't hurt to stand or sit, only to bend my knee and let that bruise roll from my knee cap toward my VMO. That pain when running or walking would extend across the entire top part of my knee cap, not on the patella itself, but between the patella and the quad muscle. I could no longer do the bent knee lunge with my knee on the floor because it put direct pressure on the swollen painful area. Also, the edge of the computer under the desk at work lined up perfectly with the bruise on my knee, which I bumped twice gently since and almost yelped!

Now back to the story. I obeyed Stan and tried a little pool running. My knee hurt to pool run, especially as a I straightened my leg back and brought it forward through the water. I didn't feel I was doing it any good by trying to pool run. Walking would cause pain to build up intensely, to the point that I would start limping after just a few blocks. Down hill walking and going down stairs were excruciating. My knee would swell after walking too much. Also, sometimes I would find my knee would "catch" and suddenly feel like it was completely off track and send shooting pain throughout the entire knee cap. One evening, after icing my knee, the "bursa" looking thing swelled up again. I said enough was enough and called Slocum the next day.

When I went to Slocum (4 weeks post injury), the swelling in my knee had gone down from the night before and it wasn't as painful to walk. Stan was about to send me on my way again, until I showed him the picture of the swelling after I had iced. He was shocked that a knee could swell after icing. Now he was really baffled and wanted to do an MRI. I panicked, not because I didn't want answers, but because Stan had first told me Plicas rarely show up on MRIs and because he was now fearful it could me something else... but something he had never seen before. After some talking, we decided to not to an MRI, because he was still leaning toward Plica, and to do a cortisone injection instead. This way we could reduce all of the swelling in the knee and get to the root of the problem. If the cortisone worked, then we'd know it was an inflamed Plica. If there was still lots of pain after the cortisone, we'd do an MRI or arthroscopic surgery and see what was wrong.

The cortisone injection hurt bad. He put it in a soft spot on my patella. I left the office feeling stiff legged and was very careful the next few days not to over exert my leg in any way. Two days after the shot, my knee started catching again and was intensely painful. I had read that a day or two after a cortisone you experience much worse pain than you original injury. I tried to stay positive, although the intense pinching/maltracking feeling of my patella was not helping.

On Monday (three days after the cortisone) I was feeling much better. Tuesday was even better, and Wednesday was better yet. I saw Stan on Friday, telling him I had a few "almost pain free" days. He was pleased and said to again try to stress the knee a little with some run/walking next week. If the pain or swelling comes back, he'd do another cortisone injection since the first seemed to work so well. We decided if this injury becomes chronic, we'd skip the MRI, and go in arthroscopicly. That way he could see everything going on in my knee and remove the Plica at the same time if that was the problem.

The following week I pool ran pain free and decided that Thursday I would try to go for a run. I still had a "knob" on very outer edge of the patella which hurt to be pressed on near my VMO, not on the patella bone (tricky, since its not exactly tendon or muscle there... guessing it's Plica). The run went pretty well, compared to how I'd thought it would go. I had a very tight IT Band the whole time, but little to no knee pain at all. About 6 blocks from home, I had to stop at a stop light and I noticed the area above my knee cap was sore and just slightly puffy (Plica? Quad tendon? Suprapatalla bursa?) I finished out the run and made sure to ice afterward. I had a little tenderness after the run walking around- not really focused on any particular spot, but it seemed to be all around the top of the knee.

I pool ran the next day and felt on the side of my knee cap and experienced some discomfort, so I stopped early. I rested the next day and then decided on Sunday to try another run. This run went even better in regards to knee pain. My IT Band felt more sore and tighter, but I didn't have as much discomfort across the top of my knee at the end or after the run. I took an ice bath this time. Walking two miles after the run was fine.

I just started reading Running Tide, Joan Benoit-Samuelson's book. I skipped right to the chapter on her knee injury and found it to be like reading my own running journal. We both experienced sudden pain on one run out of the blue that felt like nothing else we'd ever had before. The pain would build and feel like tightening. Nothing seemed to work and no one could diagnosis it. Finally, after Joan saw Stan James, she got her Plica arthroscopicly removed 3 weeks before the Olympic Marathon Trials and went on to not only run in it but to win it! That night, I had a dream I got knee surgery. Unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to run before I woke up.

So, it's a waiting game at this point. I'm going to continue to run every other day and build up my strength and confidence, while being patient with my knee. I hope that whatever it is that's wrong with my knee had finally healed up with the 6 weeks of rest, strengthening exercises, and cortisone shot. If it comes back after all this... then its time to go under the knife.

Goals

Almost every runner I know, serious or casual, makes goals. Run a 10K at the end of the month. Qualify for the Boston Marathon in 2012. Hit 70mpw. Run a season injury free. Stick to a consistent core strengthening program. We've all set running goals. But what happens when we fail to reach those goals? What happens inside each of us when we have to let a goal go due to inadequate training, or injury, or just because we set something that was too high for us to reach.

I know for me personally, I go through several emotional stages which always bring me back to one thing: I cannot always be in control.

When I somehow mysteriously ended up with a bruise on my knee and pain when running, my first reaction was: I can control this. And by taking control of the situation, I only made things worse. The bruise became swelling and the swelling became very painful. I briefly gave up control of my daily running, to control the injury, and ended up losing control of both.

So after losing control, I lost it mentally. It was an all-day Anna pity party that I put my boyfriend and family through. I no longer knew how to take control of the situation other than work on core/hip/glut strength and continue to talk to PT's, massage therapists, and my doctor. Everyone was giving me different reasons to what happened and how to fix it. Each time, it only got worse. The people closest to me were telling me something completely different: leave it be and lift it up to God. The problem with this solution for me was that I was not in control of it. "Time" meant fitness lost, goals dissipating, and no timeline to when I could be running again. I was not going to sit and wait.

My knee didn't really give me an option over the weekend. It stayed swollen for 6 days and showed no signs of letting up. Walking was very painful and I played around with ways to keep the swelling held up tightly above my knee so it could not roll down across my knee cap. I'm sure this was not helping my progress at all. Finally, I succumbed to the reality of the situation and spent 3 days on the coach with my leg propped up on a pillow, alternating ice and an ace bandage wrap. Finally on Monday the swelling had gone down a little and I could walk farther than 5 feet without limping. I felt like I was back in control of the situation. I could make it to the starting line of the Eugene Women's Half Marathon if this type of progressed continued and then onto my goal of running the Autumn Leaves 50K at the end of October.

Nope. As I weened myself off of Advil, I was in terrible pain. The swelling was still down, but my knee kept catching, stopping me in my tracks and bringing tears to my eyes. How, after 1 week since my last run, all the Advil, compression, ice, rest, massage, and core/hip strengthening, could I be in this much pain? The next day I called Slocum and scheduled an appointment with Dr. Stan James asap. I won't be able to get in until next Thursday.

So, as I do in many situations I am not in control of, I write. I write for myself and I write for others, about the lessons of running I have learned up through this far. I have realized I have made running my life. I was never a runner in my youth. My mom spoke to my high school cross-country coach yesterday at school as he was making copies of the Poynette top times and places ever at the Cambridge Cross-Country Meet (1st one of the season). Both my and my sister's names were on the list, and my mom asked him, "Knowing now that both my girls have run marathons and have turned into the runner's that they are today, would you have ever guess that of them from their first cross-country meet at Cambridge?" My coach said, "Of Christy, yes. Of Anna, no, not at all." Perhaps this was because I announced at the finish line of the Cambridge Meet as a freshman, "That was Hell and I'm never doing that again!". Oh- how far I've come. Running is now the center of my life, as a coach, as a writer, as a friend, as an employee. I eat, breath, drink running every day. I have no choice but on a bad running day, to go out and face other runners and talk about running all day long. My passion is also my curse, because at times it has become more important to me than family and friends, and this I truly regret.

So, instead of focusing on the goals I cannot achieve through running this week (or next week, or next month, or whenever I am able to run again), I have chosen to make a new list of goals:

1. Go back to the basics- and run for fun! Because I love to run!
2. Remember God gave me the gift to run and not to take that gift for granted.
3. Not get hung up on a running goals and make them the focus of my life
4. Spend more time outside of running environments with friends and family.
5. Find a new hobby that is not running related in anyway.
6. Trust my instinct first, not others opinions when it comes to my personal running and injuries. I know my body best.
7. Give up control.

I want to look at these goals everyday and make sure I can check each one off, before I step to the starting line of my next race. I feel that if I make them a priority over my own running ambitions, I'll reach more goals than I ever dreamed possible.

What did I do wrong?

I type this blog post as a self-soothing strategy, in hopes of finding enlightenment by reading the words back to myself on the screen. Last week, I almost posted a Facebook status reading something like this: Today (11 weeks out from my goal race) I ran a similar workout at the same pace as I ran 6 weeks out from the Eugene Marathon. I find comfort in knowing I'm that fit and have over 2 months to still train.

I decided not to post it.

I think part of the reasoning behind posting Facebook statuses about running and running workouts is to brag about how fit or unfit you are, in hopes that people will post comments to that status either in awe of your talent, or to help build you back up when you are feeling down. Of course, its not that I didn't want people to take notice of my accomplishments. But I had a gut feeling that as soon as I posted that, my world would come crashing down.

I didn't need to post anything for that to happen.

Let me back track. Two Thursdays ago I ran a 5K road race in 19:48. Now that time is 18sec slower than my PR, so its not like I should run around bragging that I'm in the best shape in my life. What that time does represent though, is a wall that I have broken though in my training. Leading up to last year, I could not break 20min for the 5K-ever! Now, unfit and under trained, I was able to not only break 20min, but go 12sec under it in my first 5K race of the season. The aftermath wasn't great. I took Friday off and ran too fast on Saturday and Sunday. My calf started giving me problems on my runs on Sunday and Monday and so I backed off the pace drastically. By Tuesday I was feeling better, but still laid low through Wednesday. On Thursday I ran that Facebook status worthy workout.

Yep, training was going good! Until....

Something happened between Thursday night and Friday morning. Thursday after the workout I felt great. I biked to work and to coach that evening and I felt great. That night I felt great and did Pilates. That morning I felt great and did my normal warm up exercises. I went out for a run Friday and while I was going along, my right knee cap kept getting tighter and tighter. I stopped to stretch several times on the the run, but it didn't seem to help. I finished the planned 6miles, since the soreness felt like a bruise rather than a muscle strain. I linked the problem to a tight quad and used the foam roller and stick when I got home. I found a few knots that I worked out, but noticed after rolling it, my knee felt worse. I went to work in pain and discovered a bruise on my knee cap. Hmmm, I thought, I must have clocked my knee on something. That would explain why stretching and massage didn't help.

Friday night after work, I iced and took Advil. I also coated my knee in Arnica cream. Saturday morning it felt even worse and was really swollen. Walking up and down stairs hurt badly especially when ever the bruise rolled over the edge of my knee cap. I tried to not walk much once I got off from work. Ice/Arnica/Advil did nothing. I had a 19mi long run with hills planned for Sunday and posted on the wall for the event that I was now a maybe.

Sunday morning I woke up and my knee felt great. The swelling had gone down and it didn't hurt to bend it. I hopped out of bed and got dressed to run. I decided to give it a test run around the block first before heading over to meet friends for a longer run. I got 2 blocks and my knee started to feel tight. By the third block the top crest of my knee cap and my inner quad muscle (VMO) was sore and starting to swell up. I walked home and went back to bed.

Kevin and I got up around 9am and went to church. It was just what I needed. The message was different this week. Instead of the pastor standing at the pulpit, preaching on whatever topic of the week they felt was important, the she and associate pastor sat on stools in the middle isle and answered any faith questions we may have. Many of the answers came back to one thing, people are so self involved. We only think of ourselves and how to get ahead in our own lives that we loose sight of the world and people around us. God sometimes sends us messages though trying and turbulent times which shows us that we are not alone and that we need to get out of our own heads. We prayed that day for a man who had just been diagnosed with MS, another person who was having a hard time adjusting being back from Iraq. An older gentleman who was in the hospital and had told his family he was ready to die. A woman with cancer. The list went on.

Suddenly my knee problem, didn't seem like much of a problem.

Monday morning it was the same deal. I woke up and felt great. I was able to run 1 mile this time before my knee started to get really sore and swell up. I came home, iced, and called my massage therapist, Kelly. I sent him a picture of my knee and he told me there was a bursae sac right underneath the muscle in that spot. Ice and Advil were the way to go until the swelling goes down. Once its gone, I'd be good to go. For now I just had to rest. Obviously there was no cross training I could do in the meantime to distract myself. Anytime I bent my knee it would only make things worse. That's when I decided to hop on the computer and begin typing; a self-soothing strategy that seems to only come out when I'm upset. Other times I have a constant writers block.

So I titled this blog, "What did I do wrong?" because I felt up until now I was finally doing everything right in my training to prevent something like this from happening. But that's when I realized, again I was doing it all wrong. I was becoming too self involved in my running to see the bigger picture. Running had become everything, otherwise this small thing wouldn't feel like such a big catastrophic thing. When I'm training, I'm so focused on workouts, injuries, recovery, etc that I don't enjoy my time with others because my mind is elsewhere. I wake up earlier, got to bed earlier, eat healthier, and train longer, not that any of those things are a bad thing, but they can lead down a slippery slope. What did I do wrong this time? I lost sight of more important things. Running was becoming everything because it was going well. Now its not going at all, and there's nothing I can substitute it with.

So I sit here writing and realizing that I can gain more today from not running than I could have in any run I would have done.

Post marathon depression

I did it! I hit my goal! Not only a 3:10 marathon, but a sub- 3:10 marathon! Sunday and Monday, I was on cloud nine. I floated though each day on a runner's high bliss! Nothing could bring me down- I had just run a 3:08:02 marathon! Then, after awhile, the runner's high went away and I had to face reality, running a marathon that fast, with an injury, meant I was still injured- and it wasn't going to go away in a couple of days. My leg was very sore after the marathon- along with the rest of my body. But as the days passed, the general soreness from running a marathon disappeared, and I was left with a dull ache in my left knee/calf. Advil seemed to be the only thing that got me through the day. Long walks were out of the question. I did nothing for 5 days straight. Even massage didn't seem to help much.

Along with the diminishing runner's high, my ego also took a fall. 3:08 no longer seemed fast enough to me. I felt that I could run much faster than that if I had not been injured. If I had stayed more mentally focused at the end of the race I could have run a 3:06-3:07 perhaps. Instead, once I knew a sub 3:10 was in the bag, I relaxed for the last few miles and cruised in. My 7:11 pace marathon didn't seem as praise-worthy as a 7:05 pace marathon or a sub 7 pace. I guess that's part of the drive in a runner that keeps us training and racing, so we continue to improve and set our goals even higher.

A week and a half after the marathon, I got another massage. The muscles around the injury were still very dense, but much of the achiness had subsided. I was now able to walk with little discomfort- yet the ache was still there in the background. I took up biking again to keep myself sane. Luckily the weather was nice enough to get a few long rides in. Biking no longer caused discomfort either, like it had during my taper. The question now is: when can I return to running? When will I no longer feel pain? When can I get to work on my 50K training? I was told to wait one week after I feel no pain to begin running again, but that seems like it will never come, since still this morning (11 days after the marathon) my leg still feels stiff and sore when I get out of bed. I was looking forward to my 2 week break, but a 3 week break or a 4 week break- well its hard for me to imagine that. There are so many friends planning group runs. There are so many races I had wanted to do over the summer. Now I have to just sit back and be patient while time runs its course and my fast leg slowly, slowly heals.