What did I do wrong?

I type this blog post as a self-soothing strategy, in hopes of finding enlightenment by reading the words back to myself on the screen. Last week, I almost posted a Facebook status reading something like this: Today (11 weeks out from my goal race) I ran a similar workout at the same pace as I ran 6 weeks out from the Eugene Marathon. I find comfort in knowing I'm that fit and have over 2 months to still train.

I decided not to post it.

I think part of the reasoning behind posting Facebook statuses about running and running workouts is to brag about how fit or unfit you are, in hopes that people will post comments to that status either in awe of your talent, or to help build you back up when you are feeling down. Of course, its not that I didn't want people to take notice of my accomplishments. But I had a gut feeling that as soon as I posted that, my world would come crashing down.

I didn't need to post anything for that to happen.

Let me back track. Two Thursdays ago I ran a 5K road race in 19:48. Now that time is 18sec slower than my PR, so its not like I should run around bragging that I'm in the best shape in my life. What that time does represent though, is a wall that I have broken though in my training. Leading up to last year, I could not break 20min for the 5K-ever! Now, unfit and under trained, I was able to not only break 20min, but go 12sec under it in my first 5K race of the season. The aftermath wasn't great. I took Friday off and ran too fast on Saturday and Sunday. My calf started giving me problems on my runs on Sunday and Monday and so I backed off the pace drastically. By Tuesday I was feeling better, but still laid low through Wednesday. On Thursday I ran that Facebook status worthy workout.

Yep, training was going good! Until....

Something happened between Thursday night and Friday morning. Thursday after the workout I felt great. I biked to work and to coach that evening and I felt great. That night I felt great and did Pilates. That morning I felt great and did my normal warm up exercises. I went out for a run Friday and while I was going along, my right knee cap kept getting tighter and tighter. I stopped to stretch several times on the the run, but it didn't seem to help. I finished the planned 6miles, since the soreness felt like a bruise rather than a muscle strain. I linked the problem to a tight quad and used the foam roller and stick when I got home. I found a few knots that I worked out, but noticed after rolling it, my knee felt worse. I went to work in pain and discovered a bruise on my knee cap. Hmmm, I thought, I must have clocked my knee on something. That would explain why stretching and massage didn't help.

Friday night after work, I iced and took Advil. I also coated my knee in Arnica cream. Saturday morning it felt even worse and was really swollen. Walking up and down stairs hurt badly especially when ever the bruise rolled over the edge of my knee cap. I tried to not walk much once I got off from work. Ice/Arnica/Advil did nothing. I had a 19mi long run with hills planned for Sunday and posted on the wall for the event that I was now a maybe.

Sunday morning I woke up and my knee felt great. The swelling had gone down and it didn't hurt to bend it. I hopped out of bed and got dressed to run. I decided to give it a test run around the block first before heading over to meet friends for a longer run. I got 2 blocks and my knee started to feel tight. By the third block the top crest of my knee cap and my inner quad muscle (VMO) was sore and starting to swell up. I walked home and went back to bed.

Kevin and I got up around 9am and went to church. It was just what I needed. The message was different this week. Instead of the pastor standing at the pulpit, preaching on whatever topic of the week they felt was important, the she and associate pastor sat on stools in the middle isle and answered any faith questions we may have. Many of the answers came back to one thing, people are so self involved. We only think of ourselves and how to get ahead in our own lives that we loose sight of the world and people around us. God sometimes sends us messages though trying and turbulent times which shows us that we are not alone and that we need to get out of our own heads. We prayed that day for a man who had just been diagnosed with MS, another person who was having a hard time adjusting being back from Iraq. An older gentleman who was in the hospital and had told his family he was ready to die. A woman with cancer. The list went on.

Suddenly my knee problem, didn't seem like much of a problem.

Monday morning it was the same deal. I woke up and felt great. I was able to run 1 mile this time before my knee started to get really sore and swell up. I came home, iced, and called my massage therapist, Kelly. I sent him a picture of my knee and he told me there was a bursae sac right underneath the muscle in that spot. Ice and Advil were the way to go until the swelling goes down. Once its gone, I'd be good to go. For now I just had to rest. Obviously there was no cross training I could do in the meantime to distract myself. Anytime I bent my knee it would only make things worse. That's when I decided to hop on the computer and begin typing; a self-soothing strategy that seems to only come out when I'm upset. Other times I have a constant writers block.

So I titled this blog, "What did I do wrong?" because I felt up until now I was finally doing everything right in my training to prevent something like this from happening. But that's when I realized, again I was doing it all wrong. I was becoming too self involved in my running to see the bigger picture. Running had become everything, otherwise this small thing wouldn't feel like such a big catastrophic thing. When I'm training, I'm so focused on workouts, injuries, recovery, etc that I don't enjoy my time with others because my mind is elsewhere. I wake up earlier, got to bed earlier, eat healthier, and train longer, not that any of those things are a bad thing, but they can lead down a slippery slope. What did I do wrong this time? I lost sight of more important things. Running was becoming everything because it was going well. Now its not going at all, and there's nothing I can substitute it with.

So I sit here writing and realizing that I can gain more today from not running than I could have in any run I would have done.

Post marathon depression

I did it! I hit my goal! Not only a 3:10 marathon, but a sub- 3:10 marathon! Sunday and Monday, I was on cloud nine. I floated though each day on a runner's high bliss! Nothing could bring me down- I had just run a 3:08:02 marathon! Then, after awhile, the runner's high went away and I had to face reality, running a marathon that fast, with an injury, meant I was still injured- and it wasn't going to go away in a couple of days. My leg was very sore after the marathon- along with the rest of my body. But as the days passed, the general soreness from running a marathon disappeared, and I was left with a dull ache in my left knee/calf. Advil seemed to be the only thing that got me through the day. Long walks were out of the question. I did nothing for 5 days straight. Even massage didn't seem to help much.

Along with the diminishing runner's high, my ego also took a fall. 3:08 no longer seemed fast enough to me. I felt that I could run much faster than that if I had not been injured. If I had stayed more mentally focused at the end of the race I could have run a 3:06-3:07 perhaps. Instead, once I knew a sub 3:10 was in the bag, I relaxed for the last few miles and cruised in. My 7:11 pace marathon didn't seem as praise-worthy as a 7:05 pace marathon or a sub 7 pace. I guess that's part of the drive in a runner that keeps us training and racing, so we continue to improve and set our goals even higher.

A week and a half after the marathon, I got another massage. The muscles around the injury were still very dense, but much of the achiness had subsided. I was now able to walk with little discomfort- yet the ache was still there in the background. I took up biking again to keep myself sane. Luckily the weather was nice enough to get a few long rides in. Biking no longer caused discomfort either, like it had during my taper. The question now is: when can I return to running? When will I no longer feel pain? When can I get to work on my 50K training? I was told to wait one week after I feel no pain to begin running again, but that seems like it will never come, since still this morning (11 days after the marathon) my leg still feels stiff and sore when I get out of bed. I was looking forward to my 2 week break, but a 3 week break or a 4 week break- well its hard for me to imagine that. There are so many friends planning group runs. There are so many races I had wanted to do over the summer. Now I have to just sit back and be patient while time runs its course and my fast leg slowly, slowly heals.

The Plan

I like having a plan. I have always been one to plan out things in advance. I toss different scenarios around in my head, you know different plans: plan A, plan B, plan C, just in case the original plan doesn't work out, I have already planned out a possible new plan.

When you train for marathons, you have a plan- a training plan. A four month program written out in pencil that you adjust on the go, since you never really know how you'll recover from workout to workout. Even though the plan is in pencil, its still a plan.

This year I planned to train harder than ever before. I planned a high mileage program with lots of midweek 10K-half marathon pace workouts and weekend long runs with pace workouts thrown in after a good warm up. Everything went according to plan, mostly. Sure there were a few unplanned hiccups. Having a pair of Brooks Green Silence shoes wear out after only 200mi and getting shooting pains on the side of my right calf was not in the plan. Having Kevin massage my calf and causing my medial ankle to swell up like a golf ball was not in the plan. Re-pulling my hamstring and having psoas issues was not in the plan. But, I adjusted, re-wrote the plan, and pulled through having a phenomenal half marathon PR and doing what I though my body was never meant to do, running 19:30 in the 5K with no 5K training. Yep, the plan was still on!

Into taper week, I realize my body no longer likes the plan. Its ready for a break from all this planning and its on its own plan. A minor strain in my calf muscle after the week of PRs, and the old knee tightness from a year ago have once again made me realize that no matter how much I plan, I cannot control what is the greater plan.

God and I have been talking a lot throughout this marathon training season. I've come to him numerous times just begging to get to the starting line healthy. I pray about having a breakthrough marathon and ask for his help to run a 3:10 marathon. All along I thought he was listening, hearing me, watching over me. But after this last week of amazing running, and feeling like I was a runner floating on clouds, to now having pain during this final taper, I found myself asking him "why?". Why now? Why this?

Over the past 6 days, as I prepare for Easter, I find myself becoming calmer, and more accepting of the new plan. I realized, no matter how much I plan, I can never be truly prepared for the greater plan that God has in store. I look to this new plan as a blessing. It may be the rest and taper that my body truly needed. It may be a way of showing me what's more important than running. It may be a way to show me how not to take my gifts for granted, or how not to trust so deeply in my own plan, but in the greater plan for me.

Every runner in training has a plan. Every runner's plan A turns into a plan B and a plan C, and a "ok I no longer have a plan" at some point. But I think we all need to know that no matter how much we plan, there's always a greater plan at work. Everything happens for a reason. God only wants what's best for us, and my faith in him helps me to know everything is going to be ok following his plan.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Since when did I become a runner?

Maybe it was in late August of 1999. The first day of cross-country practice. The air was hot and dry. I chose cross-country over volleyball. Yet, even five minutes before we headed out for the first practice run of the season, I still thought I was making the biggest mistake of my young adult life. There was no way I would survive the 3 mile run on the first day. Coach asked two of the more seasoned cross country runners to lead the way. I had to keep up with them since I did not know the route. The hot tar strips on the country roads pulled at my white Reeboks, begging them not to take another step. I tried my best to just survive the run. Success! I ran 3 miles that day without dying, passing out, or needing a knee replacement. Something happened to me that day after that run. I got my first runner's high. I wanted to run again. I wanted to feel that pain again. I wanted to see if I could go even faster and further than I had that day.

I ran four seasons of cross-country and track like a lot high school kids. Unlike a lot of college kids, I kept running. I ran on my own. For fun. I discovered a club team my sophomore year which helped me better my 5K times. For some crazy reason, it wasn't enough to feed my running passion. On my own, I'd run longer and longer. My knees would always begin to hurt after about 70min, but slowly that pain began to subside and I could go almost two hours without any pain. At age 20 I ran my first marathon. I qualified for Boston with no training. The punishing long distance of 26.2 was my calling.

I don't know the exact date I became an obsessive runner. The kind of runner that has to run to live and lives to run. The kind of runner who panics a the slightest twinge in my knee. The kind of runner who goes to bed early so I can run 20miles at 6am. The kind of runner who has lots of running friends and likes to go out and talk about running after runs. The kind of runner who has a massage therapist. The kind of runner who forces themselves to do track workouts, tempo runs, daily doubles without a watchful coach's eye. The kind of runner who works at a running store, coaches runners, owns a running training program business, writes for a running magazine, and teaches running classes at the University of Oregon. But at some point during my running timeline, everything had changed.

Yes, its seems that now I am a runner. Not just a runner, but a 5K runner, a 10K runner, a half marathon runner, marathon runner, and now an ultra-marathon runner, and every runner in between. I date a runner, I socialize with runners, I have converted non-runners into runners, and I search out new runners to run with. I am living the running dream in Eugene, Oregon. I had a calling to move out here over two years ago. Something pulling me 2,000 miles away from my family and friends to an unknown world on the West Coast. I packed up a truck with a few pieces of furniture, several pairs of running shoes and 4 Prefontaine posters which have decorated my walls since I was a junior in college. I made the long journey to a city that I knew only as Tracktown USA and nothing more. Its now so much more. Eugene has become my home, and its runners my family, just as much as I have become a runner.

3:17:25

So a little over a year ago, I posted a self reassuring post that on 10/10/10, I would run a 3:10 marathon. The date justified why I strained my calf last year and could not participated in the Royal Victoria Marathon 2009. Its because the date in 2010 coincided with my goal time of 3:10. Going into my 2010 marathon training, I was cautious. I did not want to get injured again. Therefore, I stayed clear of long hard tempo runs at race pace, and decided to focus on a more on a gradual speed training build up with plenty of recovery. I constantly mixed around my easy and hard days to make sure I was getting adequate recovery. There were days that I had planned a speed workout and then substituted a easy run because my legs didn't feel quite right.

Another thing I did differently this time was not "race" every long run, but instead organized challenging group runs on monster hills around Eugene. The idea being, we'll run slow and still get the benefits of a hard run by challenging our legs on McBeth Rd, the Ribbon Trail, and Chamber's Hill. The idea seemed to work. I got stronger as a runner, but had less injuries. I also incorporated pilates, yoga stretches, lunges and eccentric calf raises into my program which kept nagging muscle/tendon stuff at bay.

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The goal: 3:15

It didn't seem impossible. I had run 24mi with large hills at 7:47 pace, 21 mi with rolling hills at 7:19 pace, and 25 miles with a steady hill climb at 7:37 pace. Each run containing sub 7min splits within them.

The day of the Victoria Marathon I decided to not do anything differently (a hard lesson I learned in the Women's Half Marathon when I had a bowl of oatmeal two hours before the race and got sidestiches and nauseous at mile 5). Only Shot Blocks for breakfast, just like I do before the long runs, even with the race's 9am start time. NOT SMART! This body needs food by 9am. The race went according to plan for the first 16 miles. I started at a 7:40 pace, dropped down to a 7:20 average by the half way point. No splits were faster than a 7:10 pace.... I was saving that for the end. Around mile 16, I got a horrible side cramp. I tried every breathing trick in the book, but realized the only thing that seemed to help was water.... water that never seemed to come!!! There was one water station that the person in front of me grabbed the last available cup and no more were being held out by volunteers as I ran by. The other water stops were spread out by miles, and I was having to take GU on its own, because I couldn't keep waiting. (note to self: carry a fuel belt in a marathon, you can't depend on the water stations in a race to be every 2 miles)

Uphill and into the wind pretty much sums up the final 5 miles of the race. My legs wanted to stop to walk so bad, but I wouldn't let them. Frustrated with myself, I decided to punish my body further for what it was incapable of doing. I got a mini second wind at mile 25, but then just coasted to the finish.

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3:17:25

I shouldn't complain. A PR is a PR. And I trained conservatively for this marathon. Also, 40-55 mpw is pretty wimpy too.

Anyway, I was pretty sick after the marathon. Every time I tried to eat, I would get horrible stomach cramps and feel nauseous. Actually the next three days after the marathon I couldn't eat a lot with out feeling ill.

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5 days, 5 lbs
Post marathon, I took 5 days completely off. No running, no cross training. Not because I was sore, I actually had very little post-marathon soreness. Not because I was injured. Not because I was sick of running. I did it because my running mentor and elite marathon performance coach Brad Hudson told me: If you want to be a performance marathon runner, you have to train in cycles. Absolutely nothing for 5 days after the marathon. Trust me, you'll be faster and healthy for it. Also, gain 5 lbs.

At first I was like, what? Are you kidding me? I'm in shape right now, I've got to maintain this! But then my inner coach began talking. Brad is right, no elite athlete can improve his or her performance year after year by training non-stop at a high level. They need to take time off after an intense training cycle, so their body can rebuild/restore/renew itself can improve for next season. The 5lbs will help with muscle recovery and hormone balance. Then, he says, you can jump right back into your mileage, but stick to easier workouts.

So, I realize now that 3:10 is not out of reach. Better training, better fueling, and better hydration will bring a sub 3:15 marathon into reach very soon. As of now, I'm still resting... and then I'll start my high mileage program for Eugene 2011, kicking it off with my first ultra marathon at the end of the month!

A Typical Sunday Morning in Eugene

Its 7 AM on Sunday, and I set out in dense fog for an eleven mile run. The only thing I can hear is the tapping of my running shoes on the damp sidewalk. There are no cars, no people. They're all asleep in their beds. I cross lonely intersections with pointless stoplights. Beyond the railroad tracks I see my first sign of humanity. Three homeless men are playing cards and enjoying their last bit of Saturday night's rum. I finally reach the Rose Garden and note my one mile split. I used to aim for 8-8:15 pace, but now I smile when I see 9:23 on my watch. Ah yes, nice and slow, I'm just warming up. I head towards Valley River wondering if I'll see the regulars. Its cold today, about 42 degrees F. There is a low dense fog that causes condensation to form on my coat. The bike path feels slightly slick from last night's rain. At two miles, I check my pace again. I'm still around 9 minutes- perfect. I won't pick up the pace for another two miles, a promise I made to myself. Around mile 3, I see them. A group of four older men, each carrying their morning caffeine fix, emerge out of the fog. They walk towards me engaged in a conversation that I find myself tilting my head to listen in. What do four men find so gossip worthy on a Sunday morning? I pass them and they nod to me while I wave back. I come to Owosso footbridge and cross. I am now at four miles and twitching to pick up the pace. The iPod that I had tucked in my running pouch comes out and I find my speed mix. Lady Gaga gives my my initial adrenaline rush and I take off. As I'm running, I see a few other runners a head of me. I try to catch each one like its a game. I make my way back to Valley River and check my watch at 6 miles- I've averaged 7:20 pace on the last two miles. I have five more miles to go on this progression run, and so I throw down another throttle. Alton Baker park is quiet this morning, even the geese are nestled in the grass with their heads tucked into their backs. The cobblestone trail is slippery and I have to focus on not over striding. When I reach the Autzen Bridge, I check my watch. I have 2.5 miles left at this point, the distance of the cross-country races I had to run in high school. That's how my mind works when I'm running, always linking one experience to another makes it easier to comprehend and predict a reasonable pace. I check my time and note that if I run the last 2.5 miles at 8:00 pace I will finish my run in my goal time. Today has been a good run! With that last thought in my head, I don't slow down, but I don't speed up. There's no need to push it at this point. I am right where I need to be. I make my way to the EWEB plaza and up towards high street. As I approach my street and slow my pace and get in a bit of a cool down. Everyone is still asleep, so I keep the lonely sidewalk in front of my apartment company by sitting down and stretching. For 10 minutes I focus on hitting every area that just helped carry me for the last eleven miles. Once I feel like Gumby, I run inside to grab a glass of water and then come back out to cool off. I watch the sun force its way through the fog and see its going to be a beautiful Sunday in Eugene.

Everything happens for a reason...

"I'm one of those who believes everything happens for a reason."

That's what my boss said to me today. Its his way of justifying why he got off course in his trail ultra and dropped out, despite being on record pace. He went on to run a sub 3 hour marathon in Portland a few weeks later. It was his fastest marathon in eight years on the 30th anniversary of when he ran his first marathon.

Everything happens for a reason.

I got injured and had to defer my 2009 Royal Victoria Marathon registration to 2010, despite being in the best shape of my life, because next year the race falls on 10/10/10. That's 3 10's. I will run 3:10 at Victoria next year.

Everything happens for a reason.

Sure, I can justify my stupidity however I please. No one is going to doubt me. They all feel sorry for me. The girl that was running so fast, who was looking so fit, its such a tragedy that she got injured. No. Me running with tight calves was not a tragedy. A tragedy is what happened to Jenny Crain two years ago. A tragedy is being an All-American runner, in the prime of your life, trying to qualify for the Olympics and getting hit by a car. A tragedy is being in a coma, living on life support, spending the rest of your life in a wheel chair. A tragedy having severe brain damage and never being the same person again. I have to remember and remain thankful for what I have. Perhaps getting injured now, saved me from a greater injury that lied in my future. Perhaps it was to help give me a greater respect for the sport. Perhaps it was to make me a smarter runner. Perhaps it was to rest my body now so I run even faster in the future.

Everything happens for a reason.

Or does it?

I used to believe that phrase. That's why I ended up in Eugene at the time that I did. That's why I didn't get into grad school. That's why I met the love of my life who lives 2000 miles away from me. Its because I was meant to be a coach not a writer at this time in my life, it was because there was going to be a job opening right when I wanted to move, it was because I was meant to meet the most influential running coaches in the business and learn from them, it was because I was suppose to meet Kelly and finally be cured of the injury that had ailed me for so many months in Wisconsin, it was because Kevin was going to get a job in Oregon.

Or does it?

I may not know the answer for months or perhaps years. This is the hardest part right now, waiting. Waiting for healing. Waiting for answers. Waiting for reasons. And not knowing. I am not a patient person. I have pleaded with God several times. Heal me in time for Victoria. Heal me for my Napa trail marathon. Just heal me!

Everything happens for a reason.

Ok. It will remain my mantra for now. But I'm growing weak. My faith is fading. My energy is draining. I am lacking motivation, positivity, and hope. My injury is minuscule in the scheme of things. There are much bigger catastrophes out there that make me sound like a whining wimp. "A marathon is a very personal thing," I was told this weekend. And its true. When you are running a marathon, its your whole world at the moment, but everyone else's life goes on. I like the image of the marathon going on in the heart of the city, but those driving outside of the city have no idea there's a marathon happening. The image of people upset that they have to take an alternate route to church because streets are blocked off for marathon runners. The silence of the the streets 24 hours before and 24 hours after the gun goes off. My pains are personal. Only I can deal with them. So I'll just keep repeating my mantra.