Losing it, gaining it back, and "losing" it

The human body is an impressive machine. It can be pushed so much harder than you mind ever thinks it can. I really believe we are all capable of more than we think that we are. It's our mind that usually holds us back and sets our limits. Yet sometimes you can tell your mind to shut up, and that's when magic happens.

At the end of 2012, I still had not quite figured out what caused my knee to flair up. My best guess was that my SI joint had been out of whack and I was landing harder on my left side. After constant manipulation of my low back, things seemed to be back on track. I was having less low back pain, I could now do a basic bicycle crunch without pain, and I had my range of motion back. After about a month of consistent running (and we'll consider running 4-6 miles every other day consistent at this point), I signed up for the Dash 'n Dine 5K. Time: 19:36. Whaaaaaat? Oh yeah, I have blogged about this kind of stuff before, don't use it, don't lose. I went into the race with ZERO expectations. I wasn't even paying attention to the pace on my watch while I was running. I just ran at my best effort and was 7 seconds off my PR, the PR I had said on flat, fast, Hayward Field. The Dash 'n Dine course had hills in it, including one steep one in the last half mile. The next five months were a whirlwind of PR's. I had begun doing speed work again. Short speed work and with a training group. This was exactly the type of track stuff that I used to stay away from because 1) I am a marathon runner and 2) I'd get injured. Yet, it seemed to be the strength that I had been missing in my training. I kept my mileage low (40-60) and the paces even lower. I was the rabbit in the group, just trying not to get caught.

February 12: Mardi Gras 5K: 19:34

March 3rd: 10K that I got sent on the wrong course, 6.3mi in 40:18 (nothing like having a kid who you passed in the last mile of the race waiting for you in the finishing shoot. Nice kid, though, he let me go in front of him to get my correct placing.)

March 17th: Shamrock 15K: 1:00:50. This was the big shocker. I have NEVER been a good hill runner and I kept a 6:40-7:10 pace on the 4ish mile climb.

April 14th: Corvallis Half Marathon: 1:26:30. Felt like sh*t from mile one. I was shocked that with zero tempo runs in my training that I was able to maintain this pace.

April 27th: Eugene Marathon 5K: 19:04. Crushed my PR and again on a course with hills.

At start of June, I ran an impromptu marathon with over 1800ft of elevation gain on mostly trails in 3:30, laughing and talking with my training partners the whole way. I went into July with even bigger goals: a 5K in 6:00's. An official sub 40 10K, and a 5:30 mile.

June 21: Summer Solstice 10K: 39:01 (Last year I ran a 40:00 in August)
July 4th: Butte to Butte 10K: 38:51. Whaaaaat???? I still wonder if someone snuck me an illegal drug to pop out this PR on THAT course.
July 11th: OTC All-Comer's 5K: 18:41 (6's on the head. Last year I ran a 19:29 in July)
July 25th: OTC All-Comer's 3K: 10:54 (that's 5:50's! Last year I ran a 11:14 in August)
August 1st: OTC All-Comer's Jogger's Mile: 5:30 (Last year I ran a 5:43 in August)

During late July-early August, I was focusing on tapering for these shorter events. I dropped my mileage down to the mid-50's and eased off on the length and intensity of my Tuesday speed workouts. On July 8th, I got a hint that I had reached my peak a couple of weeks back and couldn't hold onto this speed much longer. I re-raced the mile, hoping to go under 5:30 and ran 5:31. Two days later I ran a flat, windy 10K and could only muster out a 39:16. Worry and depression set in. Had I lost my racing edge? In my last race, I gave up mentally. I got a side stitch in the first mile and it carried with me until the end. I couldn't battle the wind anymore and I just gave up. Rethinking all of my training and goals, I took 6 days off from running to let my body heal and rest. I was now moving into marathon training and was hoping all of my mileage and hard work over the spring/summer would translate into a sub-3 hour marathon. I was there last year fitness-wise and I knew I could get there again, especially now with this much faster base I was carrying with me.

The problem was... is... I have lost it mentally. I really attribute 50% of my PR's to my mental strength. The other 50% is the mileage and the workouts, losing 15lbs in the last 2 years and eat a gluten-free, dairy-free diet, and sticking with Pilates. But that "Toot Toot" training run I wrote about last year, that workout changed my life. I summoned strength that I never knew I had and it changed the way I looked at training and racing forever. Losing that now, is like losing a major part of my training. I now give up on myself quicker. I don't care if someone passes me in a race. I don't fight the demons trying to slow me down, I allow them to get into my head and fester there. I realize this is going to be a BIG problem if I want to run my goal of sub- 3 hours. A marathon is a long long ways to be beating yourself up mentally. If I can no longer run a 10K without losing it at mile 4, how am I going to run the marathon?

My training partners tell me this is a normal stage of training. I've just hit a lull and once I get my mileage up consistently, I'll find the workouts get easier again and I have my strength and stamina back. The question is, will the mental strength and stamina come back as well?